random thoughts for Valentine's day 2004.

Today is a holiday invited by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap.

……

Lacuna 诊所。Lacuna 拉丁文意：解剖学上不相连的孔洞。……Lacuna意味着空白么？还是说recurrence的预备？……
……

这是我最后一次见到你
凌晨三点，你喝醉了回家，你说你撞了我的车。
it's dangerous,maybe someone has got hurt. Maybe we should turn to the news  to see if any children or little animal...

你整理牙刷、杯子和衣服出门，我开车追你，“let me drive you home”……这是我当时说的话，现在我可以说些别的。我们周围的一切像方糖一样溶解进了黑暗
……
因为我记得这些，因为这些都已经发生过了。说什么都不能改变，无论说什么都不能改变眼前——正在发生的改变。那就让我告诉你吧：
“I'm ERASING YOU!  I'm HAPPY...By morning you'll be gone!."

这是场从终点出发的赛跑，先到起点的人可以赢得对方的失落。我们可以尽情地伤害，也可以互相温暖。因为到明天早上我就再也不记得你了。I'm erasing you...... from my memory.

让我们快跑吧。刚才的一切已经成为lacuna了。看，什么都没留下。你走远了。

……
你快从浴室出来了，我在脖子上浇上番茄酱，躺在地上。你把看着电视里的过时电影整理好连衣裙的吊带，跨过我的头拿了皮包转身出门……流畅地如同老爵士的旋律……也许我下次可以把番茄酱洒得更夸张些……这些就要erased了，没有下次了。

……
中午我们在中国餐馆吃饭，除了咀嚼，我们尽可享受这美妙的沉默。也许说些当时没说的话也不会改变什么吧——“鸡肉怎么样？”
你说“nice.”……我已经为挽回这一切做过努力了。你喝了口啤酒，开始在饭店大厅里说疯话，我记得“下次洗完澡能不能把肥皂上的头发弄掉，这让我觉得……”“Gross.”我记得你是这么说的。“Gross”你说。

……

我们在逛首饰小摊，你逗路边的婴儿，开始说“I wanna have a baby”...你只是个渴望内心宁静的普通女孩……你会是个好母亲……
我当时什么也说，现在也还是没说什么，因为……我都已经听过了……
it's me who can't commit to anything.
很对。

……
早上你趴在我的身边说:"You never tell me anything. i need to share..."
我说:"Constantly talking isn't necessarily commmunication."
你说 I don't ...that's what intimacy is.
我记得你在我身边，可是你在哪里？

……
你说大人们不会明白孩子是多么寂寞。
你说你小时候有很多娃娃，最喜欢的是叫Clamtine的那个丑娃娃
你说你看着她就会说:"You can't be so ugly .   Be .....  PRE...TTY."
你快哭了

你说:"Be PRETTY....."





你说，it's weird. Like if l can transform her,  I would magically change too.……
我对你说:"You're pretty...pretty...pretty ...pretty......"
我绽放的英国玫瑰……

……
Please let me keep this memory.....just this one.




……
结冰的Charles 河上
I could die right now, Clem.
I'm just...
happy.
I've never felt that before.
I'm just exactly...
where I wanna be.





……
so Clem...
让我们离开这个正在崩溃的世界，在所有的意义分崩离析之前，在我打算原谅自己的绝望之前
……



下雨了
 Row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream 
Merrily, merrily
merrily, merrily 
Row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream 
Life is but a dream …… Life is but a dream 

走吧，CLEM,这是我们的主题曲

看那个品尝雨滴的男孩，正在尝试着辨认另一种色彩

既然隐匿可以成为这一刻的保佑，那就让我们去桌子底下躲雨






如果我们从梦中的梦中的醒来
你希望我们在Montauk，or Rockwell center?

what really matters?你的头发依然猩红



因为……





How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray's accepted, and each wish resigned;

聖潔女神的命運是何等幸福
遺忘世界，被世界遺忘
無瑕的心靈散發永恆的陽光
接納每一個祈禱，捨棄每一個願望

你看着elephant parade说
I want to be
a great big, huge elephant...
with a huge trunk like that.

那真好，大象从不忘记。Elephants never forget.
即便忘记了大象，也会记得大象是什么。 

……



这曾是我第二次遇见你，现在是倒数第二次，在你的书店。
你说:" i'm just a fucked-up girl,who is looking for my own peace of mind."

I still thought you were gonna save my life......even after that.

我身后的书架目录正在消失，周围的书正在被漂白，这里快要成为Lacuna了，我们的第二次见面
Clem,  say something.



——Remember me , try your best.

……
This is the day we met. You were down by the surf. I could just make you out in the distance.
You were in that orange sweatshirt that I would come to know so well...and even hate, eventually.

——This is it,Joel. It's gonna be gone soon.
——I know.
——What do we do?
——Enjoy it.



……
——I really should go.I've gotta catch my ride.

——So go.



——I did.



I thought may be you were a nut, but you were exciting.



——I wish you'd stayed.



——I wish I 'd stayed too.Now I wish I 'd stayed.
        I wish I 'd done a lot of things.





—— Well, I came back downstairs,
        and you were gone.
        I walked out. I walked out the door.
——Why?
——I don't know.
        I felt like a scared little kid.





——I ran back to the bonfire,
        trying to outrun my humiliation, I think.
……
——What ifyou stayed this time?.
——I walked out the door.
        There's no memory left.


——Come back and make up
         a good-bye, at least. Let's pretend we had one.
         Bye,Joel.
——I love you.





——Meet me in Montauk.